Thursday, April 23, 2020

I keep my circle small

April 23, 2020 | Toronto

JP5: What do you know now you really need?

Aw shiiiiit, here we go...

As much as I enjoy being alone and doing my own thing, having a close relationship with someone is super important, but also a huge insecurity of mine.  Looking back, I've gone through many friendships, but I always fantasize about having lifelong friends.  How can you not want a friendship where it's just you and the other person and you know you're each other's bestfriend?  It's like the perfect setup for amazing adventures and lifelong memories.  So, I think the fact that I have actually lost touch with many people has left me feeling quite insecure about my relationships with people and how I approach meeting new people.

I've experienced going to different schools and seeing my best friends make new friends.  But, what made me realize just how insecure I am was just after I left high school.  Even during my graduation ceremony, I remember looking around at all these 'friends' I knew I would never see again.  I had spent four years talking to these people in class and sitting with them at lunch, but they all had their own groups.  I was just bouncing from one group to the next, never feeling totally accepted.  If I wanted to hang out with anyone outside of class, I had to be the one to reach out and make plans.  Otherwise, they'd make their own.

A similar thing happened last year, where I realized a lot of people I was hanging out with didn't want to be friends with me as much as I wanted to be friends with them.  I still haven't quite figured out how to stop feeling so insecure about all this.  I keep my circle small, but it never seems small enough.

And you know what else I really need?  It's to love myself more.  I'm constantly overthinking and never giving myself the chance to just say what's on my mind.  It's like I don't even know who I am and what I stand for.

I have one friend, Dana, who was also my roommate.  I've always admired her individuality, passion and assertiveness when it comes to her values.  And I can't thank her enough for cracking my hard shell, and getting me to open up about my life and to be more expressive.  Getting to live with her for the school year was truly a blessing and if I go on this is just going to end up being a love letter to her lol.

But also, this daily journaling thing has been a great at forcing me to reflect and understand myself more.

Dear blog,

Thank you for being the one place I feel safe enough to say these things.  Whether it's the lack of readership (lol) or just a familiar place (going on 6 years wooo), thank you thank you thank you.

Song of the Day: Dilemme by Lous and The Yakuza
Canon M50

1 comment:

  1. I can relate so much to everything you say. I am not very good with words, but often you express some of my experiences so well. Its like you are way wiser than 20.