I keep my circle small

April 23, 2020 | Toronto

JP5: What do you know now you really need?

Aw shiiiiit, here we go...

As much as I enjoy being alone and doing my own thing, having a close relationship with someone is super important, but also a huge insecurity of mine.  Looking back, I've gone through many friendships, but I always fantasize about having lifelong friends.  How can you not want a friendship where it's just you and the other person and you know you're each other's bestfriend?  It's like the perfect setup for amazing adventures and lifelong memories.  So, I think the fact that I have actually lost touch with many people has left me feeling quite insecure about my relationships with people and how I approach meeting new people.

I've experienced going to different schools and seeing my best friends make new friends.  But, what made me realize just how insecure I am was just after I left high school.  Even during my graduation ceremony, I remember looking around at all these 'friends' I knew I would never see again.  I had spent four years talking to these people in class and sitting with them at lunch, but they all had their own groups.  I was just bouncing from one group to the next, never feeling totally accepted.  If I wanted to hang out with anyone outside of class, I had to be the one to reach out and make plans.  Otherwise, they'd make their own.

A similar thing happened last year, where I realized a lot of people I was hanging out with didn't want to be friends with me as much as I wanted to be friends with them.  I still haven't quite figured out how to stop feeling so insecure about all this.  I keep my circle small, but it never seems small enough.

And you know what else I really need?  It's to love myself more.  I'm constantly overthinking and never giving myself the chance to just say what's on my mind.  It's like I don't even know who I am and what I stand for.

I have one friend, Dana, who was also my roommate.  I've always admired her individuality, passion and assertiveness when it comes to her values.  And I can't thank her enough for cracking my hard shell, and getting me to open up about my life and to be more expressive.  Getting to live with her for the school year was truly a blessing and if I go on this is just going to end up being a love letter to her lol.

But also, this daily journaling thing has been a great at forcing me to reflect and understand myself more.

Dear blog,

Thank you for being the one place I feel safe enough to say these things.  Whether it's the lack of readership (lol) or just a familiar place (going on 6 years wooo), thank you thank you thank you.

Song of the Day: Dilemme by Lous and The Yakuza

Canon M50

Why do plans have to keep changing?

April 22, 2020 | Toronto

JP4: Did you think you'd be here?

It's hard feeling like I'm stuck in this in-between stage, where nothing I planned has completely worked out.  Maybe it's just me being 20 years old and barely an adult, but the problem is I spend too much time planing and re-planing my life every time my life don't go accordingly.  I'm stuck back at home and with no job.  I've just been working on small personal projects everyday.  But by the end of the day it's like nothing I did really added up to anything.  I need to stop thinking so negatively.

Like, earlier today, I was working on altering a blouse to make it more fitted.  And after hours of repining and resewing these pesky darts, I still could not get the shirt to sit properly.  Once the sun started to go down, I began to feel really defeated, as though I had wasted an entire day to end up with nothing (I trashed the shirt).  Then again, I later on had more success at altering a pair of blue pants.  So was my day completely wasted?  I guess not.  But I could have done more.  And why do plans have to keep changing?!

I really hope tomorrow's journal prompt gets me in a more positive head space...

Canon M50
My friends graciously got a me gift card to Mejuri for my 20th because I'd been going on about how I really wanted to curate a classy, everyday jewelry collection with quality pieces.  I was really tempted to buy these croissant earrings from Mejuri, but instead opted to go for their simple "In Between" 14k hoops.  I couldn't be happier with that decision and I'm itching to buy another pair for my second piercings!

Sometimes these thoughts become too overwhelming

April 21, 2020 | Toronto

JP3: What's something you learned this week?

There are so many things about my life that I want to change and when I start listing them off in my head, the thoughts become too overwhelming.  I can write lists all day and it's like every day there is something else I need to do.  So, I guess I learned that having lots of time isn't everything.  I need to not be scared to focus on one thing.  There will also be something else you want to do.  But for now, focus on learning a new skill, and learning it well.

Yesterday, I said I would go on a walk and take photos the next day.  Today, I spent 45 minutes outside, just walking around my neighbourhood and smiling because it felt so calming.  I need to get out more.

Today's song is: I love me by Demi Lovato

Canon M50

All but certain

April 20, 2020 | Toronto

JP2: What do you miss the most?

The comforting feeling of certainty.  That our plans to rent an AirBnB downtown and have a summer getaway will happen.  That by the end of August, I'll be on a plane headed for France.  Because I have been planing and saving up for this moment to come.  But now, it's all but certain.  And I can't help but feel anxious.

I think I'll go for a walk and take some pictures, tomorrow.  Because dressing up to take photos is also something I miss dearly.  And I can make that happen.

The end of another school year

April 19, 2020 | Toronto

JP1: What was the first thing on your mind today?

Like most days now, I've been waking up before my alarm.  I've got this huge window by my bed and I actually love it for that reason.  Today, I woke up in anticipation of writing my last exam.  The end of another school year.  Since moving back home, life has felt mundane from all the notes I had to write in preparation for my finals.  I sit at my desk typing on my laptop for hours on end.  I watch my neighbours go in and out of their homes and wonder what on Earth they're up to.  I, on the other hand, have not left my house in a week.  I have this terrible tendency of telling myself I don't have time for anything else if there's a looming deadline for an assignment or test.

It's later at night as I type this and all I can think of is all the things I want to accomplish with all this time.  What are my neighbours doing?  What should I be doing?  At least I'm writing, again.  Thank you, @jo_franco, for inspiring me to do your 30 day journaling challenge.

Canon M50