At home with yourself

September 13, 2022 | Montreal, QC

JP15: what is home?

Earlier today I received news that I will be receiving my visa tomorrow. This means I'm officially going to France for the next 7 months to be a language assistant. I could not be happier! Moving to France has been a goal of mine for the last 4/5 years. I was originally supposed to go during my third year of university as a part of a study abroad program, but unfortunately due to Covid it was cancelled.

I think that one reason I am so looking forward to moving is because I don't necessarily see myself living in Canada for the rest of my life. There's nothing about it that I feel particularly attached to, at least not enough to to call it home. And that's even after having lived in Toronto, Peterborough, Canmore, and now Montreal.

What excites me about France is the same reason that scares me and it's the fact that I want to know if I can actually see myself living and building a home for myself in France. This idea of 'home' has been a big motivation for me lately. I'm not just traveling around for a quick vacation, I'm moving around with purpose because I really just want to find a place that I can call home.

But a few weeks ago, I came across something online that mentioned how you'll never find a home in a new place if you don't feel at home with yourself. It was a eye opener and it scared me. It made me begin to question what it is that I am looking for in a home. And I could not think of an answer off the top of my head.

What is this thing called love?

What is this thing called love?

It seems as though everyone is searching for love, to be loved, to feel love. I can't say that I am any different. The older I get and the more I learn about myself, the more I start question what is this thing called love? For the life of me, I could not differentiate between caring for someone versus loving someone. If I care about you then I must love you, right? What I have come to believe is that everyone has a different way of describing what love means to them at different stages in their lives. There is no concrete answer, but I think as you grow up and mature, you become more aware about how you want to give and receive love.

I felt inspired to dig into this topic because I am currently reading Mira Kirshenbaum's Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Kirshenbaum writes about the ambivalence people in relationships can feel and the many considerations they must ask themselves about their relationship in order to determine whether they are better off leaving the relationship or staying and trying to fix it.

Chapter 8, What is this thing called loved?, has been the most memorable chapter of the book thus far because it made me realize just how desperate I was to understand this exact question. I marked a specific page in this chapter and have come back to it at least twice already because sometimes you just need a refresher when you're feeling down and defeated and confused. And what better way to fish out my thoughts than to do what I've always done and write about it here.

My perception of love is confused and I will say this right now, I still don't know what love is and how to describe the feeling. I still have a lot of discovering to do when it comes to love. But Kirshenbaum helped lay the foundation for my thoughts. And according to her, love is still a hard idea for psychologists and therapists to define. So we have to give ourselves some slack.

Kirshenbaum's description of love resonated with me because she broke it down in a very sequential manner that spoke to the logical side of my brain. While I don't think it completely encompasses the idea of love, it gave me a decent foundation to build upon as I continue my search in understating what is this thing called love.

For starters, just like with most feelings, love is a feeling based on your perception of reality. But humans are not perfect and it's not as concrete as that because it all depends on how the person perceives reality. If your perception of reality is bias or clouded, just because you feel something from your perceived reality, does not make it actually real.

You see this when someone feels at a cross roads in their relationship. This particular chapter highlights the scenario in which you fell in love with someone based on how well they treated you, cared for you, respected you, aligned with your values, etc... All these actions/gestures were real. But sometimes what happens in a relationship is one partner gets too comfortable, they stop putting in effort, they show their true colours, and now the other person is stuck and confused as to how they could possibly leave someone they love. But that feeling of love is now based on past events that never stayed consistent and are not based on the current reality. Therefore their perception is biased towards who their partner was in the past. And their feelings of love do not make sense for the current realty. Do you really love this person? Or are you holding on to the person that you once loved.

"Feeling love doesn't mean that you perceptions are accurate or that the realities warrant your feelings. In other words, feelings are not necessarily appropriate just because you have them...No one can tell you what to feel, but for feelings to make sense they've got to be based on correctly perceiving something that's real." - Kirshenbaum

Going forward, I am doing my best to base my feelings off of a person's actions, not words and failed promises. Actions truly do speak louder than words because they are rooted in the present, whereas words can offer no rhyme or reason.

<3

FaceTiming Shania

September 5, 2022 | Montreal, QC

JP14: What about a time you laughed really damn hard

I never used to call friends. The thought of it always made me uncomfortable and I was perfectly happy to sit in my own silence until we met again in person. But over the last year, I've grown to enjoy calling my friends just to spend a few extra minutes in their presence. I think what makes it enjoyable is our mutual understanding that even while we're on a call, we can still enjoy each other's company in silence. 

Every time I call Shania, we always seem to be in the same position. She's sat in the dark and me in the light. While it sounds so not funny, but it really is one of those 'you had to be there' moments. The second we see each other's faces, we burst out laughing. I think we've almost trained ourselves to do it each time now.

Dear Austin and Ally

Over four years ago, my dear Austin passed away in our arms. It was the first time I had ever experienced true loss. I loved her deeply. And I began writing a letter in memory of her. But each time I started typing, I would be so overcome with emotions and could not stop crying. Time passed and to soon, our dear Ally passed away while I was at university. I miss my sugar bebz dearly. 

There are numerous drafts that live on this blog and sometimes I like to go through them just to see if there are any worth getting back to. I really wish I had pushed on an continued writing this post four years ago as now my memory and emotions are not as fresh. But reading what I initially wrote, really brought me back to when Austin was in my life. It deserves a place in this blog. 

Here it was:

I know these past couple of months have been rough on you. It hurt to see your sick and struggling to keep of with your normal regime. I am forever thankful for your presence, companionship, and love. The days I will remember the most were our walks around the block. The fact that you knew when we were nearing home and would start walking down my shoulder to get cloer to the door. My shoulder. That was your place. Where you felt the most safe and at home. 

And I’d just like to add:

Austin, even after four years has passed I still think about you fondly. You and Ally. My dear Ally, you left us a few months after Austin and I was so grateful for the precious time I got to spend with you. I cherished your presence and the impact you had on my life. I still speak fondly about Austin and Ally to this very day. You are both forever in my hearts. I didn’t know what it was like to love so deeply and experience such a tragic loss until. 

There are times that I wish I could lay on my back and have you crawl up to my neck and lay there. I miss your boggles, the head scratches, and the softness of your fur. You were both my safe haven. 

Loving intentionally

June 23, 2022 | Sherbrooke, QC

*Two years later and I'm finally continuing Jo Franco's Journal Prompt series oops.

JP 13: Are you like your family?  How so?  How not?

A few years ago, I had decided that getting married and having kids was an aspect of life that I was perfectly fine with not partaking in. For one, I feel as though many people want to get married and have kids for all the wrong reasons.

When it comes to marriage, there's a big part of me that doesn't care for the title of being married. That's not to say I don't want to find the right partner to spend the rest of my life with. I would absolutely love that! I want nothing more than to be in a healthy, loving, relationship. I’m just very aware that I don’t want to settle or rush into things because I feel pressured to. 

Right now, I don’t feel like I have the emotional intelligence to care for a child the way they deserve to be cared for, especially since they do not have a say in being born. I take that responsibly very seriously and I’m scared of not being able to be emotionally present for my child. I want my child and my partner to know and feel that they are loved deeply and endlessly and that I want nothing more than for them to be happy and good people. On the other hand, I do realize that I tend to talk down on my self and not give myself credit for the good in me. 

Some of the things that I love about myself are things that I only realized recently. I love that I’m caring, empathetic, and loving. I show my love through spending quality time and and physical affection. I think I need more time learning how to love myself and love others so that I don’t repeat things that I saw and internalized growing up.