A Year of Silence.

I write this as I sit on my balcony in my Montreal apartment. Yes, I'm currently living in Montreal! The light is starting to fade and there's a cool breeze drifting through the courtyard. Has it really been 10 months since I last posted on my blog?! Who am I kidding, it's not like I haven't taken an extended absence from posting. Just know that every month that passes when I'm not blogging, I'm thinking about this blog and how backlogged I'm going to feel when I get around to it. You are never forgotten ;) Thankfully, I finally wrapped up The Rockies Diary series.

Before I start posting current content, I feel like I owe it to myself to post a written reflection on the last year. That's going to be quite the challenge as a lot has happened and I have to be purposeful in what I wish to share. The last year was filled with a lot of highs and lows. A lot of personal growth, but also realizing there's more work to be done. So where do I start?

I learned the good and the bad...

After experiencing my third year of university fully online, I was more than ready to step back on to campus and meet new people. As much as I loved my friends, who were also my roommates, I was almost desperate in wanting to make new friends before my final year was over. I must have been very desperate because I ended up meeting lots of new people. I loved the newness... at first. One person would introduce me to another who'd introduce me to another group. Everyone knew everyone. It was like being back in high school.

There was a certain confidence I experienced when I would walk onto campus and immediately know a bunch of people. At the same time, I felt extremely vulnerable. It was a kind of vulnerability that I had never experienced before. I didn't actually know these people despite seeing them every day. And in the end, I put trust in the wrong people, confided in the wrong people, sought comfort in the wrong people.

There's a reason why I have a small group of friends. The people closest to me have become so close because we took time to built trust and a safe space to open up emotionally. We stay loyal and true to our friendships. When I needed advice or a shoulder to cry on, my closest friends remained by my side and we've grown even closer because of it all. It took a year of hurt for me to realize just how thankful I am to have good friends in my life. It turns out, I don't need new friends. I can cherish the ones I already have.

I  know that over the last couple years, I've become more aware of who I am; the way I react or don't react to certain situations, and what I like and don't like - and that's largely thanks to my friends. Because of that, I thought that I knew myself better than I actually did. This last year truly shone a light on not only my ugly truths, but also reasons to be proud of myself. I did the best I could in the situations I found myself in and always acted with the best of intentions. That I do know.

Perhaps this is me being too open...

But I've always felt like I had this unloveable, cold heartedness about me that scared people away. It's not that I was telling myself this, but I have been told this before. I didn't realize until this last year just how much I had internalized these sentiments. One thing I know now and am extremely proud of is the fact that I learned that I do have these maternal instincts and the ability to love and care. Even friends noticed that I've become more affectionate and less closed of. And while I'm still not the best at communicating my feelings and needs, I've been pushing myself to do so. I've gotten better.

But what scares me is the realization that I lack an ability to set boundaries and to trust my gut instincts. It's one thing to lose trust in a person, but it's even scarier when you realize that you don't even trust yourself.

Music found the words I couldn't...

You know that feeling you get when the lyrics of a particular song resonate with you so strongly? Earlier this year, I found myself struggling to express my feelings. I didn't want to necessarily express them to someone, moreso I wanted to get it out in the world. For that reason, I created a playlist* with the intention to add one song a day - my personal project; an archive representing how I was feeling that day. I want it to live on my blog, almost like they're extensions of each other. I've put the link in the sidebar as well :)

*Sorry I only have Apple Music (yes I know it's inferior to Spotify lol).

TAPIF...

While all this was going on, I had applied to and was waiting to hear back from TAPIF. As you may know, I was supposed to study abroad in France last year and was devastated when I learned that it was canceled. At the time, my life felt like it came to a complete stop. When you build up years of anticipation for something that ends up never happening, it's like a part of you is missing. I was lost and felt hopeless.

I knew I wanted nothing more than to live in France. The question was how I would get there other than through an exchange program. One option was to apply for my masters in France, but I was not confident in what I wanted to do my masters on. So instead I decided to apply to TAPIF. In march I sent in my application and was expecting to get the results of whether or not I was accepted into the program by mid April. In the mean time, I had found a summer sublet in Montreal. 

April goes by without a response and I'm starting to get stressed. I had moved to Montreal with the help of my mom was still waiting to here back! Finally in mid May (a month delayed) we get our results back and I was placed in Nantes, France!

Now...

It's been just over a month since moving from Peterborough to Montreal. I have been working from home full time and exploring the city when I can. Some days are harder than others, but I'm doing the best that I can for myself. I've moved on.