My 200th post!

April 30, 2020 | Toronto

JP12: What do you actually care about?


I've mentioned before how I struggle with expressing my emotions.  Growing up, I never learned a healthy way to communicate my thoughts with others because I was so afraid of being wrong or judged.  Confrontation, y'all, is such a hard skill I'm still trying to learn.  And don't even get me started on opening up to people and not being ashamed to tell my story.  Like when a friend asks 'how's it going'?  Listen, this is like one of the dreaded questions of all social interactions.  And I'm too quick to shut it down with 'nothing much, you?'.

When my friends make an effort to call me up at night, it seriously means the world.  I love to just listen to what's going on in their lives.  If there's ever any problem, I want to be there to listen.  But moreso, lately I've been getting out of my comfort zone and making it a two way exchange by sharing my thoughts and giving my opinions on their issue.  Because I think for me, it's so easy to forget that my friends do want to get to know me.  Like really get to know me and understand me and feel what I'm going through.  And so, when we call and we talk, like really talk, it means the world.  Because, that feeling of comfort and vulnerability is a quality in my friendships that I want to cherish.

Canon M50

This is a space that we share

April 29, 2020 | Toronto

JP11: What is something you want to see more of in the world?  How can you start creating it?

I want to see more people caring about the Earth and the animals, plants, and insects that share this space with us.  Most people are so engrossed in their own lives that they become so far removed from the bigger picture.  But, the more you push your good intentions on people, the harder they push back.  And I've learned that the most efficient way to see change, is to lead by example.  Show everyone how simple quick sustainable swaps can be.  They're good for the soul and good for the earth.

Then again, some people you just can't change.  It just won't happen.  And I've had to accept that.  I think the key is to not surround yourself with too many people like this.  They will only bring you down.  And I refuse to let people bring their negative energy upon me.

Canon M50

It's a small thing we do, just the two of us

April 28, 2020 | Toronto

JP10: What is a small joy you can appreciate on the weekend?

It used to be waking up without an alarm.  Letting the light gradually spill into my room and actually enjoying getting out of bed.  That's the best feeling because then I go on to draw back my curtains and make my bed.  If I had school in the morning, the act of doing these small habits were like such a tedious chore.  When I don't feel pressed for time, I really enjoy taking the time to reset my room for the day.

These days my weekends aren't anything different from the rest.  I find that everyday I'm being more productive than I ever was.  I like to start my mornings by going for a run.  I'm not a crazy running fanatic, but I actually do enjoy listening to a book or playlist and jogging around the neighbourhood.  Usually I run by myself, but on weekends my mom comes along with me.  It's like a small thing we do, just the two of us.  And I really appreciate it.  I was hoping to register for a 10k marathon this June, and since that didn't pan out, I've convinced myself to do one by myself next month.

Canon M50

Familiar surroundings, people, and illogical transitions

April 27, 2020 | Toronto

JP9: Where do you think your dreams come from?

Okay, this is the first entry I'm writing where I actually fell asleep before getting around to writing it. Usually, I'm up 'till 1 am writing these, but it still counts as being the same day (right?).  Last night, I was on an unexpected Skype call with Dana and Adelheid and then I had to finish some other unrelated writing.  When all was said and done it was 3 am and so I guess that's my excuse...

My dreams have always been a mix of familiar surroundings, people, and illogical transitions.  They're on the verge of being so quintessentially normal that I don't stop to think how bizarre they are until after I wake up.  Bridge to Terabithia.  That's what they kind of remind me of.

I find that I only dream when I fall into a deep and long slumber.  And this has got my thinking... Would I care if I never had another dream?  I can never recall what I dreamt unless I think about them the minute I wake up.  Then again, the ones that I do make for really funny stories.  I still remember certain dreams I had from over ten years ago.  That's crazy.  I don't think I consciously told myself to remember them.  So, what am I going to remember about now?  Yesterday, I was watching the mail lady cross the street to my house and thinking: it's probably just junk mail.  I rarely get mail.  Then, later that evening, I went to go get the mail and to my surprise I had two letters in my name.  My first tax refund.  Pretty cool, I think lol.

A photo from two years ago that I never posted...

Hey, I've come a long way. But, there's still a long road ahead.

April 26, 2020 | Toronto

JP8: What would your kid version think of you now?  Have you stayed the same?

Truth be told, I don't believe I've achieved any of the success my younger me wished for.  There's no designer closet and millionaire mansion.  Then again, I didn't value the things I value now.  I don't think kid me would be wowed at the things I've achieved.  But what I do know is that I'm better off where I am now.

Everyday I try to do something that would make myself proud.  I don't really care about what a kid thinks about me.  It's a bit immature to care, right?  I just want to live a simple, sustainable, and ethical life.  I want to continue to work on projects that mean a lot to me.  And if anything's stayed the same it's that I'm still quite introverted and a socially awkward.

Boy was this the hardest prompt to answer by far.  I just kept overthinking my answer and my words were all over the place.  I'm just going to end it nice and short.

Canon M50