Dear Austin and Ally

Over four years ago, my dear Austin passed away in our arms. It was the first time I had ever experienced true loss. I loved her deeply. And I began writing a letter in memory of her. But each time I started typing, I would be so overcome with emotions and could not stop crying. Time passed and to soon, our dear Ally passed away while I was at university. I miss my sugar bebz dearly. 

There are numerous drafts that live on this blog and sometimes I like to go through them just to see if there are any worth getting back to. I really wish I had pushed on an continued writing this post four years ago as now my memory and emotions are not as fresh. But reading what I initially wrote, really brought me back to when Austin was in my life. It deserves a place in this blog. 

Here it was:

I know these past couple of months have been rough on you. It hurt to see your sick and struggling to keep of with your normal regime. I am forever thankful for your presence, companionship, and love. The days I will remember the most were our walks around the block. The fact that you knew when we were nearing home and would start walking down my shoulder to get cloer to the door. My shoulder. That was your place. Where you felt the most safe and at home. 

And I’d just like to add:

Austin, even after four years has passed I still think about you fondly. You and Ally. My dear Ally, you left us a few months after Austin and I was so grateful for the precious time I got to spend with you. I cherished your presence and the impact you had on my life. I still speak fondly about Austin and Ally to this very day. You are both forever in my hearts. I didn’t know what it was like to love so deeply and experience such a tragic loss until. 

There are times that I wish I could lay on my back and have you crawl up to my neck and lay there. I miss your boggles, the head scratches, and the softness of your fur. You were both my safe haven. 

Loving intentionally

June 23, 2022 | Sherbrooke, QC

*Two years later and I'm finally continuing Jo Franco's Journal Prompt series oops.

JP 13: Are you like your family?  How so?  How not?

A few years ago, I had decided that getting married and having kids was an aspect of life that I was perfectly fine with not partaking in. For one, I feel as though many people want to get married and have kids for all the wrong reasons.

When it comes to marriage, there's a big part of me that doesn't care for the title of being married. That's not to say I don't want to find the right partner to spend the rest of my life with. I would absolutely love that! I want nothing more than to be in a healthy, loving, relationship. I’m just very aware that I don’t want to settle or rush into things because I feel pressured to. 

Right now, I don’t feel like I have the emotional intelligence to care for a child the way they deserve to be cared for, especially since they do not have a say in being born. I take that responsibly very seriously and I’m scared of not being able to be emotionally present for my child. I want my child and my partner to know and feel that they are loved deeply and endlessly and that I want nothing more than for them to be happy and good people. On the other hand, I do realize that I tend to talk down on my self and not give myself credit for the good in me. 

Some of the things that I love about myself are things that I only realized recently. I love that I’m caring, empathetic, and loving. I show my love through spending quality time and and physical affection. I think I need more time learning how to love myself and love others so that I don’t repeat things that I saw and internalized growing up.